Hating The Phoenix
by Kassia2
Summary: Angel and Faith come back to visit Buffy with bad news. Turns out Spike's chip may not be what it seems.
1. Back So Soon

Frail Earth  
  
By Kalika-Chan  
  
Disclaimer: Umm…ok, Joss and Mutant Enemy own BTVS, but I own this story.  
  
Rating: R, swearing and everything else.  
  
Part 1- Back So Soon  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
Love. The very glue that holds this universe together.  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
For over 120 years, Spike never felt so betrayed as of this moment.  
  
The feeling was in his gut, deep down, wrecking him from limb to limb. Every movement, every muscle froze. If he had a heart, it would've stopped beating. If he had a soul, it would've stopped living. If he had a thought left…it would be how much he loved the slayer.  
  
His world was gone, left utterly along in perfect solitude. The air surrounded him, not daring to breathe. Going back was the hardest. Everywhere he went, there was her scent, her eyes, and most of all, her. Buffy.  
  
Spike tried to stop thinking about her, tried to stop loving her. But he knew it was impossible, so he just gave up. He kept telling himself he was going to get over her, but in reality, he wasn't. Not ever.  
  
She filled him. His every being, every molecule in his body longed to be with her. No matter who she was, where she was, she would always be Buffy. Just like he would always be the monster inside.  
  
Clearly, she wasn't thinking likewise.  
  
Down in the lower level of his crypt, she stood pacing in front of him, wringing her hands as she talked. She was scolding herself. Spike hated seeing her like that, but he knew he would only make things worse by interrupting. He let her go on. As long as the slayer let it, she was fine. Fine. The most wonderful word in the English dictionary.  
  
"This isn't working. This has to stop, Spike." Buffy stopped, chest heaving and hands on her hips. He knew the look, all the Summers women had it, Joyce, Dawn, and now Buffy.  
  
"Sure thing, pet."  
  
"No, I'm serious." Of course she was.  
  
"I know. That's a nifty old tune you got there." Spike shifted, running his hand back through his now messy tangled hair.  
  
Buffy didn't seem to hear anything he was saying.  
  
"Oh, god. What was I thinking? Oh, wait… No, no, no...." Spike frowned. She was going crazy. Ranting to herself nonstop.  
  
Buffy started pacing again.  
  
"Christ. Just because Giles left…"  
  
Spike sat up on his bed, smoking a cigar hanging out of his mouth and looking at her. He cringed his neck as he watched her walk over to his fridge. She opened the freezer to find packets of frozen blood.  
  
"Ugh." She sighed in disgust. In the back, she found a bottle of bourbon. Buffy normally hated bourbon, but she drank anything with alcohol at a time like this.  
  
Taking a swig, she turned around to face the vamp on the bed. She stared accusingly at him.  
  
"You tempted me." Her deadly whisper sent shivers through him. He recovered fast.  
  
"You wanted me too." He pointed out, trying to defend himself.  
  
Spike regretted it the moment the words leaped from his lips. She was clearly trying to blame everything on him, and it wasn't working.  
  
Buffy's lips tightened, and she pursed them together, her eyes narrowed like a predator. It wasn't going her way. She had just wanted him to give in. Always being the competitive type, she hated it when she lost something.  
  
But this…this was Spike. For minutes, she was silent. Spike waited. He was patient. He was kind. To her, anyway. The slayer didn't speak. Instead, she walked back to the edge of the bed and sat down, away from him. He tried to move closer to her, but she ducked away. Hurt flashed across his face, but he wouldn't let her see. Getting up, the blonde vampire took the bourbon out of her hand and drank the rest.  
  
Silence.  
  
Still, he waited.  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
It doesn't matter what I want  
  
It doesn't matter what I need  
  
It doesn't matter if I cry  
  
Don't matter if I plead  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
He was getting tired of this game.  
  
*+*+*+*+**+*+*+*  
  
You've been on a road  
  
Don't know where it goes  
  
Or where it leads  
  
*+*+**+*+*+*+*  
  
Buffy laid her head down. It was hard. It was more than hard. She never broke up with anyone before. But you couldn't really call this breaking up. She was never with Spike in the first place.  
  
'Just tell him off, B.' Faith was trying to dominate her again. No one else every called her B. No one. She missed the old girl. As evil and bad as she was, Faith was a great slayer. Buffy wished she had seen that earlier. Angel did. There would always be a part of the rogueness inside her. If only she were here. Faith would know. Faith would know how to handle situations like this. But Buffy didn't. Everything Faith had, she didn't.  
  
She closed her eyes, feeling tears threatening. No, she wouldn't cry. She wouldn't let Spike see.  
  
Spike sat down, far away from her, but still fixed on her. He wondered what was going on.  
  
"This isn't working, Spike." Buffy said, quietly, after what seemed like an eternity.  
  
He sighed. Didn't she always say this? But her tone was different. Her melancholy voice drifted off in the distance, laden with sorrow and sadness that filled her large droplets of tears. It hurt. It hurt him so much to see her like this. It hurt even more knowing there was nothing he could do about it. Spike just watched as she twisted her hands roughly, almost as if she intended to break her own fingers. Lovely fingers they were, hands with the strength of a dozen men, hands that fought and killed. Yet, they didn't match the rest of her now. Buffy was sad, weak, little, and vulnerable. He resisted the urge to hug her.  
  
"I can't do this anymore."  
  
Her phrase disappointed him.  
  
"I can't…" she trailed off, the tears coming as she started to shake. He didn't know whether she was laughing or crying.  
  
She said it a lot, but she meant it this time. It had to end. This had to end. If she could, she would give herself to him, but she couldn't. Not like this.  
  
Buffy cared. Faith wouldn't have cared, but she was not Faith. She cared. She knew how much he was hurting, and it hurt her knowing how much he suffered. She really did believe him, she did believe he loved her. She really didn't think he was a monster. Demons can be…well demonic, but so can humans. Living her life every day, the slayer knew there were people who were monsters too, humans. And Spike wasn't one of them. A monster wouldn't give his life to save another's. A monster wouldn't be loyal to anyone. Spike had proved himself.  
  
"Buffy…why?" Spike leaned forward, eager to hear her answer, yet afraid of what she would say.  
  
"I just can't do this." She said one last time. Spike watched as she got up and left without a glance. Buffy didn't just leave. She didn't leave and come back the next night, she left. Possibly forever. Who knew what that nit thought?  
  
The realization dawned on him and he felt his heart break. She wasn't coming back. Spike stared blankly at his surroundings before burying his head and cried.  
  
*+*+**+*+*+*+*  
  
I would die for you  
  
I would die for you  
  
I've been dying just to feel you by my side  
  
To know that you're mine  
  
*+*+**+*+*+*+*  
  
In the darkest of nights, a single lampost was lit on Revello Drive. It illuminated the street, casting shadows in every little corner of nearby houses. The quiet of the evening shunned out the living and beckoned the dead. No creature could be seen. Daft winds blew softly, coating clouds of gray. Moist green leaves shimmered in the medley skylights and stars. But who really appreciated the tiny acts of Mother Nature. It didn't change anything.  
  
A dark figure stood underneath the lighted lamp. His face was hidden among the reflections, but he was clearly tall, dark, and handsome. He wore a long dark coat and heavy boots with black pants.  
  
He heard a puppy's weak little yelp and the owner scolding him. Envy filled him. The dog at least had a home and people who cared for him, unlike the vampire. He wasn't welcome here; he knew that, but came anyway. There was something he needed to do.  
  
Leaning against the pole, feeling the coldness on his black, he lifted his hand to touch his dark amber hair. The stranger never smiled, never felt happiness, for he knew what would happen if he did. Chocolate eyes gazed toward the house down the street. It had been a while. He missed it. He the missed the beautiful landscapes, the goodness of the people, the evilness of Hellmouth, but most of all, he missed her.  
  
"Angel." He turned around to see Faith, grinning like a little girl receiving a birthday present.  
  
"Faith."  
  
"Thanks…for the bail." Faith said sincerely. Angel was probably the only person in her life to ever care for her. After serving her time in jail, he had come. To her. She owed him everything, even going back to Sunnydale. The rogue had taken a liking to LA, but she couldn't refuse the one favor Angel had asked her.  
  
"You deserved it." He said softly.  
  
"No, I don't. I don't deserve anything, but thanks." Faith grew serious. Angel noted the expression on her face. It was regret. Faith knew. Faith knew what she had done wrong, but she wanted to change, and he was going to help her.  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
On that same night, Buffy was pondering her own existence. She had hurt everyone around her, starting with her dad. Why had she been allowed to live? Why not bring another slayer? Things would still be the same.  
  
But she was wrong. Nothing was the same; nothing will ever be the same. The first time she had come to Sunnydale was trouble. Buffy knew better than to get involved with Angel, but she did anyway and hurt him. She had to stop before she hurt Spike too. Oh God. Then again, why did it matter if she hurt the vampire's heart? It wasn't like he had one.  
  
The petite blonde stood in front of her closet, trying to decide what to wear. Her mind was somewhere else. She couldn't exactly focus. She leaned forward until her forehead touched the door and sighed.  
  
Love sucks.  
  
She watched as the heavy fat raindrops splattered outside her bedroom window. A giggle rose inside her. What was she doing? This was no time to laugh, to be happy, to live. No, she didn't deserve it. A hand went to her nose, covering the pain and sobs that wrecked her body. Buffy fought as hard as she could endure, but her mind disobeyed. Her mouth split and her lips trembled. She was so scared. The slayer broke down, drowning in her own tears.  
  
She eventually quieted down, and flopped wearily on her bed. Closing her dark hazel eyes, Buffy squeezed a nearby pillow, wishing it was Spike. Curling into a ball, she wrapped her strong arms around herself. The bed sheets twanged with her struggling body, smelling distinctly like tobacco, dirt, and blood.  
  
She almost wished he were here with her. It was so much easier. The harder she tried the shut him out, the harder he came back. Like throwing a tennis ball against the wall and watching it bounce back to you, only to throw it out once more. How long was this going to go on?  
  
Buffy couldn't worry about that now. Getting up, she kicked the closet door angrily, feeling the heat rise out of her and her toe starting to throb with pain. Thumbing through her clothes roughly, she picked out a pair of jeans and a cotton blouse. Once again staring at herself in the mirror she started to cry. The tears came fast and steady, but she refused to brush them away. She was strong. The slayer was strong. Nonetheless, the wetness on her cheek grew.  
  
Hastily, Buffy walked over to the door, ready to head out. She passed by the window.  
  
That's when she had stopped.  
  
Her heart pounded, threatening to jump out.  
  
Not daring to do so, Buffy moved closer and closer to the window, almost afraid.  
  
She could swear someone was there. Something familiar.  
  
Fear and nervousness surrounded her, bending her will. Slowly, ever so slowly, she peered down.  
  
A dark shadowy figure stood in her yard, gazing up at her, his face unreadable. Dark brown hair and dark brown eyes shone in the moonlight. Angel.  
  
Buffy felt like…floating. Was he really there? Rushing down the stairs, she slammed the door and ran out to meet him.  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
After so much suffering  
  
I finally found unvarnished truth  
  
I was all by myself  
  
For the longest time  
  
So cold inside  
  
And the hurt from the heartache  
  
Would not subside  
  
I felt like dying  
  
1 Until you saved my life  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
Willy's was particularly busy tonight. A certain blonde vampire sat half-drunk at the bar, muttering to himself. Depressed that the slayer rejected him again, he lifted his cup to drown himself in his sorrows. Of course he had meant to go after her, but he never did.  
  
Spike regretted it, but he doubted she would've listened. He regretted every falling in love with her. He got more than he had ever hoped for, but that only hurt him more and long for her endlessly.  
  
Glancing around, he watched the demons that were laughing and playing poker. He felt a wave of despair. He could never be one of them again. Rejected by both worlds, he had no where to go. Spike would never be accepted into Buffy's human world and his alliance with the slayer wasn't demonic enough to be in the demon world. They no longer wanted him.  
  
With the implant in his head, he could only hunt demons. Spike took the risk and got on the wrong side.  
  
Spike turned back around to see Willy refilling his cup. He shook his head and pushed it away. Getting up, he headed out to buy Buffy flowers.  
  
*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*  
  
Clutching the bouquet of cheap daises in his left hand, he strolled down her street. He wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do, if this was the kind of stuff girls like Buffy went for, but he had to try something. He wanted her back.  
  
And there it was, Revello Dr. He breathed in deeply, even though he didn't need to, and approached her house. But someone was already there. Someone was hugging his Buffy. Someone had beaten him to comfort her. That someone was his grand-sire. 


	2. Dog Eat Dog

**Hating The Phoenix**

By Kalika

Rating: R, for violence, swearing and everything else

Disclaimer: Umm...ok, so Joss called me last night and spent two hours screaming at me about how I don't own BTVS. Shocking, isn't it?

Credits: Lyrics are by Alison Krauss & Union Station, Kanno Youko, Mariah Carey, BSSM, Craig David

Part 2 -- Dog Eat Dog

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

And now she awakes to another gray day

In her big Blue World

And her room's a tiny cage

For Golden balls

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

It wasn't like they were kissing or anything. Just hugging. But hugging was good. Like kissing, but not that good.

Buffy and Angel stood on her front porch, arms encircled around each other. The slayer's head was resting on Angel's shoulder; her eyes closed in bliss. He was burying his face in her hair. The dim light above them cast an orange glow on their faces.

Spike thought his world had dropped when Buffy left him. It just dropped even further, plunging itself into the depths of the darkness, swallowed whole by the Thief of Souls. Then it came back. He couldn't explain it.

Buffy left him. But she had done it gently, as if she was afraid she might hurt him. And he hated it. He knew what she intended and it burned him inside. Everything hurt. He didn't believe it. He didn't believe his grand-sire had stolen his girl. Buffy hadn't known he has even there. But she had left him. And the sorrow he felt woke him up. Spike wasn't going to beg her anymore. He waited. She could come back.

The flowers were wrinkling now.

He turned back.

And walked away.

The vampire's fury at Angel was nothing compared to his anger at the world. The poof thought he could just waltz in and seduce Buffy again. He was not mad at Buffy. He loved her too much. There was not a moment he didn't think about her. It was almost unhealthy.

But he knew his Buffy had not turned to Angel.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*

In her perfect little world, Buffy would sense something was wrong. The feeling vibrated off her former lover. He hadn't come here just to see her. He had come here with news. And it wasn't good.

Despite her gut intentions, she didn't want to be upset.

Pulling back from Angel, everything crashed down on her. She reared back, and smacked on the temple with her fist. Hard. 

He hollered, holding his head as he staggered backwards. Angel looked up to see Buffy's fuming expression. He knew she would be mad. She was easily readable, especially for one who had known her for so long. Her fists clenched, nails almost drawing blood along the smooth surface of her skin. The blonde had changed, so much, he barely knew her. Her hair was short, and she seemed incredibly mature, so unlike the little girl he had once loved.

This was not her.

He couldn't blame her. She had gone through so much. What was it like dying and arriving in Heaven, only to be pulled out? He would never know. But Buffy did. And Buffy wanted it. She hungered for it, so much that she ran to Spike. Angel suspected she didn't know he knew about his childe and her, but he did. Cordelia could prove her usefulness sometimes.

"What. Are you doing here?" The slayer seethed. How could he just show up? 

Angel imaged she could make a great dragon of some sort. Her wrath would burn up the world. "Buffy, listen, I'm here to help."

"Help? Help what? Did Willow call you? Did she say I came back wrong? Is that why you're here?"

"No, Buffy. Not to help you." He paused, unsure how to answer her. "Spike. I'm here to help Spike." He flinched, afraid of her reaction.

Her anger seemed to grow, if possible. He watched as she mouthed the word '_Spike?_'

Buffy was ready for anything from Angel. Anything. But nothing had prepared her for this. Angel hated Spike and Spike hated Angel. Spike? All of a sudden, she launched herself at him. He knew. He knew about her and Spike. How could he? How could he turn this against her?

A pair of arms held her back. The nails were polished a deep crimson. Neat, clean, and attached to strong fingers. Slayer fingers. Buffy heard a small chuckle behind her. Not really joyous, but an amusing laugh. Insulted, Buffy whipped around, her stake in hand.

Faith stood with her arms crossed, a big smile plastered on her bright face. Her hair wasn't brown anymore, it was a brilliant shade of blood-red. Her mouth flew open and out came a pink bubble, on which she smacked loudly. Buffy heard Angel sigh behind her. Faith cocked her red head to the side and looking triumphantly at her. _Stupid girl. _She thought. She watched as her face hardened.

"Hey, B." The slayer grinned, showing her bubblegum at the side of her mouth.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

"So why are you here?"

He looked up. "Huh? I thought I just told you outside. Spike's in trouble."

"No, I meant if you're here to help Spike, why didn't you just go warn him at his crypt?" Buffy crossed her arms. Faith was in the kitchen, fixing herself a brandy and Angel his blood. Buffy had politely refused anything.

The two stood in the doorway of her quite house. She was glad Dawn was at Cara's.

"Spike hates me." Angel replied.

Buffy snorted. "Is that why you want to help him so bad?" She said mockingly. "Don't want him to hate you?" She raised an eyebrow.

"No." He said abruptly, she was a bit taken back.

A moment passed and Angel realized she wanted an answer. He wasn't sure how to tell her.

"So?"

He pursed his lips together. She had to know.

"Because it concerns the safety of humanity."

That caught her attention. Buffy's head snapped up and met his piercing gaze. It wasn't a game. This was serious business. His dark haunting eyes brokw off her focus. She rubbed her own eyes, her head suddenly starting to hurt.

"But...that's impossible, Spike can't hurt a living thing." _'Except me'_ she thought bitterly.

"About the chip..." Angel lifted her face. Concern was written all over his brooding face.

"What chip?" Faith walked up behind the two, holding identical red glasses. She handed one to Angel. "Here's your blood."

"Spike's chip." Buffy answered, quite annoyed. Didn't Faith know? "The one that keeps from hurting humans." She raised her eyebrow at Angel. 

Faith noticed. She turned around. "You didn't tell her yet?" She asked, surprised.

Angel's jaw tightened. "No." He simply answered, revealing all his negative feelings to her. She could clearly see he was uncomfortable with the current situation. Reaching out, she put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"You want me to break the news?" She asked quietly, her expression softening.

"Tell me what?" Buffy leaned in closer to the couple. "Don't try to hide anything from me." She glared at them. Faith took her arm.

"Sit down, B." She frowned, but obeyed.

"Well?"

Faith hesitated, not sure of how to put it. She didn't want to freak her out. Even she was scared of the small blonde. Twirling her straw in her drink around, she stalled her question.

"Well?" Buffy asked again, her voice raising the slightest bit. It was itching not knowing what was going on. Faith stood in front her her, taunting her, making the itch grow and worsen.

Sighing, Faith started.

"Spike's chip," she begin. Buffy narrowed her eyes. "Was put in by the Initiative. It's purpose, in the beginning, was to malfunction pain, creating it when Spike hurt someone or tried to feed. But-"

"Wait, in the beginning?" Buffy cut in. "What's that suppose to mean?" She asked, confused.

"Let her finish, Buffy." Angel grew annoyed. He took a sip.

Faith smirked. "Well, we actually bumped into the lab where they performed the operation on Billy-Boy. An-"

"And why were you there?"

"Cordy had a vision." Angel straightened up.

"We snuck in. And we have information. On Spike's chip. And it's intent. Apparently, the chip is not what it seems to be. This bitch, she wore a red suit, talked of Hostile 17." She paused. "The thing is, the chip is meant to bring him to their side. The chip will turn him into a demon, more evil than he already is. It'll make him stronger, not exactly invincible, but pretty close. They neutered him at first to throw you off track."

*+*+*+*+*+*+*

_I'm walking away_

_From troubles in my life_

_I'm walking away_

_I'll find a better day_

_I'm walking away_

_*+*+*+*+*+*_

Step by step he made his way back to his crypt.

He would find a way. Spike would always find a way back to his Buffy. His first impression upon seeing Angel were ridiculous. Buffy didn't leave him for the wanker. He almost laughed at himself, thinking that she had. How did he ever suspect such a irrational idea?

Spike knew Buffy better than anyone. No matter how much she hated him, she would always run to him for comfort. The kind only he could give. Even if she didn't love him, he was the only one who could help. Spike was like the dew that helps the morning glory blossom, the wind that bent the bamboo. If only she could understand, if only she could see, then his slayer would stop running and finally accept him. Maybe then Buffy would begin to realize how much he loved her. But he knew he wasn't right for her. She needed someone normal. Angel saw that and left. Spike wasn't going to leave. He wasn't like the others. And that made him even sadder.

Spike hummed a slow, sorrow-filled tune. Haunting and beautiful. He would drink until he collapsed. He would forget everything and dream about her again. Nothing would ever change the fact Buffy only used him. He knew it. It hurt.

In some ways, she was worse before she came back, before she started hiding behind him. Every little blue bubble of hope rose each night and popped come morning. But he had take it. He was strong and he would take it for Buffy.

So entranced in his thoughts, he didn't notice the solider boys behind him. The ones who zapped him and knocked him out.

All he knew was blackness.

*+*+*+*+*+*

Feedback please! SekaiRei@hotmail.com


End file.
